2018 Bachelorette - Week 11 Finale

The last petal has fallen from the enchanted rose, and unfortunately this means that one suitor is now stuck with Beastly Becca for eternity the next two months.

The big three-hour finale begins in the Maldives. Despite my overt dislike for Becca, turquoise waters and white sandy beaches do look good on her.

We meet Becca's poorly-introduced family as they review Garrett and Blake. There's two male UFOs - Unidentified Familial Objects - both of whom I think are her Uncle, then her Step-Dad, and then finally conclude are random strangers from the street. I still don't know; they seem nice.

The meet-and-greet goes as expected with Becca placing supreme importance on her family's opinion, and them inevitably saying "LOL idk, they're both literal strangers and I think you're out of your d@mn mind. Do whatever you want, but I'm not getting you anything monogramed for an engagement gift"

Each contestant then has a 1:1 with Becca. This is key, since it brings the total time spent with the person they're about to propose to up to about 6 hours total. You really get to know the person.

Finally we get to the juicy part of the evening - the proposal. In typical Bachelor fashion, we watch both contestants arrive.  For those not familiar with the series, the unspoken rule at the finale is that whoever is first out of the limo is the "loser" and does not get the proposal. 

This season, instead of pulling up in the limo, Garrett and Blake are jettisoned to the proposal on a speed boat. It's a fun twist. On the ride out, suspense builds as Blake and Garrett try to look pensive…and not like they're in desperate need for a pair of sunglasses.

At the moment of truth, Blake seals his fate in a psychiatric hospital for the next 2-3 years, as he steps on to the dock at the proposal site. Blake's clearly nervous and is sweating profusely. Somehow it makes it harder to watch someone's soul get crushed when you're distracted by the sweat droplets hanging from their nose.

We cut to the live portion of the show, and Chris Harrison pockets an extra few million dollars to ask Blake some painfully awkward questions. "So……. You, along with millions of viewers, just watched yourself nearly pass out from heat stroke, then get broken up with, and then ugly cry on national television. What's up!?"

Finally we get to Garrett's proposal. It's pretty adorable, although I wouldn't have blamed Becca for having second thoughts after seeing the ring Garrett chose. Neil Lane - not your best work.

On the live "After the Final Rose" portion of the show, we sit through a few minutes of Becca and Garrett giddily giggling on the interview couch. Either they're both high, or they're genuinely in love - regardless, we wish them the best.

So friends, thus concludes Becca's journey to find a short-term fiancé. Thanks for joining me. I'd like to say that "Monday nights will never be the same",  but Bachelor in Paradise literally starts tonight and airs on Mondays and Tuesdays - I've got many more hours to waste on this garbage.