2018 Bachelorette - Week 6 Update

Well we've reached a critical moment in the season. We've finally able to separate the boys from the men people who have actually watched the show before and have some basic form of common sense.

A few ground rules for those who might need a refresher:

1. Always, always bring up your childhood trauma.

The camera eats it up, and so does Becca. Jason uses this tenet to his advantage to secure a rose during his train-wreck of a date. The date started with the couple walking through a cemetery and then putting icing on desserts. No typos here - that's what happened and I don't know why. I'm also assuming ABC chose not to air the scene where Jason raids the wardrobe room from Grease and spends the entire day dressed as Danny Zuko.

Becca, who has not stopped whining about being "just soooooo emotionally drained", shows her desperation when she bails on any attempt at trying to hold a conversation with Jason and instead invites over the rest of the T-Birds for lunch. Hmmm-if Jason wasn't getting the cold shoulder when Becca literally forgot his name two weeks ago, do you think he'll take the hint when she needs to call in back-up on their first one-on-one date? Might I suggest googling some conversation starters before the next outing - we can’t expect the "just let Jordan talk about himself for  8 hours to fill the dead air" approach to work with everyone.

2. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever use your time with the Bachelorette to complain about the other dudes in the house. It will not help your cause and ABC will edit the content to make you look ridiculous.

The group date was strange. To recap, it was 20 minutes of Chris and Lincoln bickering at each other, expertly woven between shots of Becca, the other contestants, and a group of innocent bystanders in Richmond, Virginia cringing as they watched the date unfold. The culmination of the date was the contestants standing in front of 100 people, including the governor of the state (I think?), in a Q&A style debate. It was traumatic, and not just because of Becca’s atrocious pant suit. Not only did I have flashbacks to the TRAUMA that was the 2016 Election, but I openly cringed when Chris dropped the "f-word" in front of a group of women, children, and politicians, to illustrate that "sometimes Lincoln is mean to me! Boo! Hiss! Wah! Take away his Xbox!" It was this point in the show that led me to this Google search:

3. Preparation for the season is key for both the lead and the contestants to be successful.

Hit the gym, get that elective procedure done [Becca we ALL noticed, OK?], and most importantly, work on your poker face. At some point, you might wind up on a date with your girlfriend and will have to try to look empathetic while she complains about her abysmal date with a group of dudes the night before. Might I suggest this article that I legitimately have reviewed in the past. On the last 1:1 of the episode, Leo came out of nowhere to worm his way into America's hearts. Who's Leo? TBH not sure since him and his man-bun have gotten about 12 seconds of air time in the last 6 weeks. Let's just say the word "smoldering" was used heavily at the viewing party last night. I want to ask him what he was actually thinking about as Becca rambled about the other petty contestants who have the combined maturity of a single 15 year boy trying to start a rumble in the high school parking lot. My guess is he's trying to remember if he cancelled his hot-yoga class subscription or if his Visa is getting charged for this month. It's a good question for After The Final Rose.

At the end of the episode, Becca, again, demonstrating that she is incapable of mustering up the effort to hide her exhaustion from this disaster of a season, cancels the cocktail hour to go straight to the rose ceremony.

P.S. I'd like to extend an open invite to everyone to the "I Miss Jordan" support group. We meet every Tuesday at noon to drink bad coffee and reminisce. It’s BYOGU - Bring Your Own Golden Underwear. See you there.

P.P.S. Next Monday I’ll be restoring my sanity, ideally drinking wine at an Italian villa. We’ll take a brief hiatus and regroup in two weeks to continue on this disastrous journey to find Becca a boyfriend who won’t break up with her on national television find love.