2018 Bachelorette - Week 3 Update

Wow. Last night's episode truly was one for the record books. A classic. Something for everyone...as if I needed much convincing to waste two hours of my life every Monday night.

The first group date involved the men pampering Becca and company at a spa including massages, manicures, and pedicures. I'll pause here for a quick PSA to my girl Becca: Sweetie, you're a publicist. You really get this kind of stuff. This is not difficult. Can you help me understand why you would plan a group date where you invite your six boyfriends over to massage your drop-dead gorgeous, bathing suit-clad, ex-Bachelor contestant "best friends"? Where's the logic?

But looking past this - What. A. Date. A personal highlight for me was when Becca FORGOT JASON'S NAME. I mean, I can relate. It's hard keeping track of my 28 concurrent boyfriends, but honestly how can you forget Jason? Someone's going to need to start a petition to bring back the Bachelorette dramatically reviewing the contestants' framed headshots before each rose ceremony. Or maybe someone can slip Becca a Sudoku book to keep her sharp and fight the crippling brain-cell eating virus that is Bachelor Nation. Or maybe they can just wear name tags the first few weeks. Lots of options.

David and Jordan came into the date thirsty for blood. Jordan, the male model we love to hate, shared a truly unique accomplishment - 4,000 Tinder matches in 2017. David, the venture capitalist, responded in  a way that would make any actuary smile: "So what's your velocity here? How many matches is that per day? What do you think your match rate is?" When Jordan responded that he had a 100% match rate, David said what we were all thinking: "Hmm, seems high".

Jordan, in his defense, definitely held his own. I'm considering using his approach and ending all of my disappointing interactions with his fortune-cookie-esk advice. "Well, cheers to you being a b*tch".

The next date was another Bachelor Nation classic 1:1. Chris joined Becca on what started as a seemingly benign date at a recording studio. Then, with very little prompting, Chris pops a squat in the middle of a hallway and starts to cry thinking about his pent up Daddy issues. After dinner, the date ends with a B-list celebrity randomly singing to the couple as they fight the nervous-giggles and awkwardly sway in the middle of an empty room. I told you - a CLASSIC.

And then, as if this episode couldn't get more riveting, they flash a preview of a contestant being taken away in an ambulance. I'm hooked and on the edge of my seat - and ABC knows it. How am I repaid for my dedication? How does ABC thank me for this emotional investment? THEY LITERALLY STOP THE TELECAST TO STREAM TRUMP MEETING WITH KIM JONG-UN. Seriously? This episode was perfect. Do you know what it did not need? A dictator. Do you know what I did not care to watch? A 20 minute build up to two men shaking hands. Did I blink even once? Absolutely not! And risk missing a moment of this garbage? Blasphemy.

After what felt like an eternity, the episode resumed to David (Jordon's arch-nemesis) being taken away in an ambulance and shots of various contestants saying cryptic things like "I really hope he makes it" and "I've never seen so much blood." Chris Harrison fills in the blanks for us and explains that David apparently fell out of bed and landed on his face.

I'm ALMOST convinced it was a random accident, but I also VERY MUCH want to believe that Jordan pulled the wool over our eyes and is actually an evil mastermind who orchestrated an elaborate scheme to get David out of the way. All I'm saying is that it's a possibility.

The second group date was fine. Honestly, they can't all be home runs. Clay, the professional football player, broke his wrist during the date while, ironically, playing football with the other contestants. At the end of the day, he took home the group date rose in a desperate attempt from ABC to beg Clay to not sue them ("Sorry about the wrist. Here's a $5 boutonniere" *coolly pins Release of Liability form to his jacket*).

I'd also like to introduce a new data point to our weekly recaps: The Arie Shout-Out Count. He's going to do JUST FINE paying for his Hawaiian wedding to Lauren just from royalties this season since every other word out of anyone's desperate face references Becca's failed relationship. This week, the ASOC total was 6.

So friends. As promised, this episode did not let us down. Two ambulances. Laughter. Tears. And even a short Asian dictator sighting. The only thing we missed was a rose ceremony. Clay's wrist injury required surgery, so he left the show to seek medical treatment. Here are the current standings.