2018 Bachelorette - Week 4 Update

Big night tonight. We're starting the episode with a rose ceremony because there's nothing like kicking off the night with some heartbreak.

The evening starts with Becca showing up in the same outfit as Cruella Deville from 101 Dalmatians. Hide your puppies and shield your eyes, ya'll. Clearly I'm not the only one who's offended because the broadcast is interrupted AGAIN by the National Weather Service issuing a warning. Let's call the severe thunderstorms in PA an act of God, or at least retaliation for this truly criminal outfit.

David returns with his jacked up face after Jordan beat the crap out of him after he caught the floor with his chin to secure what Jordan accurately dubs, "The Pity Rose". David gets to leave the rose ceremony early per "doctor's orders" and honestly I've never been more jealous of an arrogant venture capitalist who may or may not now have missing teeth.

Between the last two episodes, I've felt like this has been the night that never ends. Thankfully ABC producers can relate because we cut to the rose ceremony with Nick wearing a track suit, unzipped down to his belly button. Was there a wardrobe malfunction? Did he spill his drink? Wait, who's Nick again? You're asking good questions and I have no answers. He gets a rose, but we can pretty much guarantee his days are numbered since his underdressed statement at the rose ceremony didn't make it to the final cut.

Again, apparently there was "too much juicy content" because ABC only shows a few quick glimpses of the guys angry smiling as they feign excitement as they're forced head to the middle of Utah for the next week of dates. Then before we know it, we land on a 1:1 date with Garrett.

I have mixed emotions during the date. I'm uncomfortable and bored as the couple explores an Alpaca shop. Then, I start to squint and tilt my head like a dog listening to a high pitch noise when Becca tells Garrett that "he reminds her of her [dead] dad" and then follows it up with "so it feels so easy to date you". Maybe I'm distracted by his solar-panel sized teeth, or maybe I'm just glad that he isn't prancing around on this date wearing golden underwear, but there's something surprisingly charming about this dude. I like him.

Thankfully, ABC did not cut out the random scene where Lincoln tries to justify being a flat-Earther. I have more questions and I hope he sticks ~around~ (Yes that was a flat Earth joke - I wouldn't sphere you wrong here).

The highlight of the date was when Jean Blanc said he was falling for Becca and Becca responded with "LOL yeah I'm not seeing it". Jean Blanc asks for take-backsies and Becca doesn't let him, so she sends him packing as she blankly stares at the limo disappearing over the ridge, visibly upset. The next morning, Becca wakes up in bed looking straight wrecked-so much so that I mistook her for Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother's stunt double. She's definitely wearing the same nightgown. I'm guessing ABC also cut out her downing 12 glasses of wine the night before because one of her 28 boyfriends told her he was falling for her because it's "what he thought she wanted to hear". Isn't that how all relationships work?

Wills gets the second one-on-one date and since he doesn't openly admit to lying to her face, he secures a rose.

This week's ASOC (Arie's Shout Out Count) was 8. We're trending upwards.

In closing, I'd like to end this week's recap with the inspirational messaging Jordan blessed us with at the top of the show. "I'm Captain Underpants and that's all I've got".