2018 Bachelorette - Week 5 Update

I'm going to call it strategy. ABC Producers want to blow us away the rest of the season. They want live up to the claims of the "Most. Dramatic. Season. Ever". But they're realists. There are resource limitations. There's only so much budget. I get it. So if we have to have an entire 2 hour commercial with only a few brief flashings of actual Bachelorette content, I'll take what I can get. Just don't let me down in the coming weeks, Mr. Harrison.

The first date of the evening was sponsored by Crest White Strips. If I seem to be squinting in the office today, it's because my eyes are still recovering from accidentally looking at Colton's teeth during his 1:1. Geez. Even Billy Mays with an entire pool of Oxi-Clean couldn't have imagined whiter whites and brighter brights. 

ABC would also like to thank "The Voice" and "The Plastic Surgery Associates of Las Vegas" for co-sponsoring the group date. Apparently because it wasn't awkward enough two weeks ago to watch Chris have a tantrum after being forced to write Becca a love song on cue, we literally recreate the exact same date with a few extra gents and a different B-List celebrity with an open calendar. This week, we tag out Richard Marx for Wayne Newton. I'm assuming ABC paid him in Botox injections, instead of cash. Let’s just say he’s had some work done.  

After the writing session, the guys predictably are required to perform on stage, in what Becca dubs "True Vegas Fashion". I'll be honest - this is what I had in mind, not another sponsorship from Men's Warehouse. As the guys share their pathetic tunes to a disappointed crowd, even our boy Wayne Newton can't hide the disappointment on his face. I suppose it's good news for his doctors though, since they thought his forehead was permanently paralyzed after Wayne's 10,000th Botox treatment in 1994.

Finally, we get to everyone's favorite date of the season - the classic 2-on-1 featuring David (the bunk-bed Parajumper) and Jordan (the evil mastermind model). Becca makes me openly cackle when she starts the package with "Two on ones get a bad rep. I'm really excited for today!". Honey - you've seen the show before, right?

David takes strong to the offense when he pulls Becca aside to start into a clearly well-rehearsed speech tearing down Jordan. Honestly, he sounded like a nervous middle schooler rushing through the last paragraph of Patrick Henry's famous speech as he anxiously recites the memorized words to his 6th grade class. "GIVE ME LIBERTY, OR GIVE ME A ROSE!". And David does not disappoint. He correctly cites, nearly verbatim, Arie's classic break-up line that Jordan, like Arie, said that he would be “settling” to be with Becca 'The Safe Choice' Kuffrin". Becca instantly breaks down in tears, and I’m disappointed that I don’t have the chance to tap her on the shoulder and say “Remember when you thought this would be fun!? This is fun! Right?!”

When Becca confronts him, Jordan takes the obvious bait and starts listing things he's done to justify his continued position on the show. He's filibustering with unrivaled passion as if thousands of refugee families depend on him as if the continued success of Cindy Crawford's Meaningful Beauty line is at stake. He cites some classic attributes like "I have been vulnerable! I have family trauma! I am bold!", but quickly loses steam later in the night when he touts some less inspiring accolades including "I CAN SPEAK! I CAN WALK!". Yes Jordan, we are all very, very proud of you.

I'm just honestly disappointed that he didn't say "I am so delightfully quotable! Everything out of my extremely well moisturized lips deserves to be on a T-Shirt. A TEE-SHIRT!!!!”

For those who missed it, I nabbed these screenshots off the Roku last night.

I'm bummed to report that neither David nor Jordan are able to secure a rose and both are sent packing.

The last 30 minutes of the episode include Chris in an extremely aggressive contest to out-do himself in a one-man competition of "what's literally the least-attractive things to say to win Becca back". My personal favorite was "I think you owe me, like, 50,000 kisses right now." (Click here for an accurate representation of my reaction).

Somehow, Chris edges our John to secure the final rose of the evening.

The ASOC count for this episode was 6. For those keeping track at home, no I didn't include references to the "Aria" resort in Vegas that hosted this disaster of a cast in the count. I didn’t want to mess up the scale of my y-axis.

In closing, and with a heavy heart, I share this season's last Jordan-ism. "Love is the greatest power on Earth. And being me- that is my greatest power."