2019 Bachelor - Week 10 Night 1

SHOOK. I'm shook. Well, we have 4 hours & 2 days left in Bachelor Nation this season, so let's get to it.

After 15 minutes of unnecessarily recapping the season (Chris Harrison, to be clear, I haven't forgot one moment), we finally get to see what's on the other side of the hopped fence.

After Colton jumps, we get to watch sheer chaos unfold. We're treated to some rare, behind the scenes footage of various producers showing how pissed they are. My favorite quote is from some inconvenienced staffer whinging "Seriously? He didn't have to run away - he could have just hid behind a wall!". Look, I also wouldn't want to be feverishly searching for the man responsible for my pay check in the middle of rural Portugal in the middle of the night, but sometimes duty calls!

We hear Chris Harrison's one-sided phone call with some ABC exec, and if you've ever had to call your boss with bad news, you feel the dude's pain. "Yup. Mhmm. Yeah no I didn't see which way he went. No we haven't found him. I don't know, it's like midnight here. Yes I do understand that if we LOSE the Bachelor, this entire season is a waste. Ok. Great. Thanks". It's a real shame since this takes place right around year-end performance review time.

They finally track down our wayward star and he's completely lost it. After running some unknown distance from the hotel into the dark abyss, he says he's quit the show and just wants to be left alone. Chris works his magic and convinces Colton to head back to the hotel for the night.

In the light of a new morn, Colton claims to have had an epiphany. He explains he was falling in love with Tayshia and Hannah, but he is IN love with Cassie. He says he's made up his mind-he's going to break up with Tayshia and Hannah because the ONLY reason Cassie broke up with him was because of his other two girlfriends. Chris Harrison asks what we're all thinking "ok but what if she's just not that into you?" Hell yes that we get to find out.

Later that night, Colton surprises Tayshia and then later, Hannah in their hotel rooms. What each girl thinks is a fun, spontaneous rendezvous, takes a dark turn when Colton bursts into tears and drops the bad news. Colton's ugly crying. The girls are ugly crying. & I'm audibly GASPING throughout.

Because this is a 4 hour finale, we're treated to live interviews with Tayshia & Colton, and Hannah & Colton sprinkled throughout the episode. Colton sports a truly horrible new haircut and I hope both girls know that they are better off.

Hannah asks Colton if he really meant it when he said that "even when he was with other girls, he was thinking of Cassie." Chris Harrison, the real LVP and ultimate wingman, jumps in like "nah, Colton, you didn't mean it, right? You were caught up in the moment! Right? Right?" and Colton swims straight past the life raft. "Nope. Meant every word."

We get a tease of what's in store for tomorrow's finale and it's real dumb. Colton quotes the King Harrison version of the popular First Corinthians verse as he struts off to profess his love for Cassie. "Love isn't simple. Love is messy. Love is not easy." Amen. See you tomorrow!