2019 Bachelor - Week 9 Update

Tonight's the night! It's finally fantasy suite night for America's favorite virgin, and you know what that means….we finally get to see Colton "lose it". And by "it", I mean "his shit".

After weekly previews of Colton running off angrily and jumping a fence, we finally get to see how the suspenseful moment unfolds. Here's the tease one more time.

Because my anticipation of this ~leap of faith~ is so high, my ability to put up with ABC's bullshit is in rare form. We don't get an intro shower scene - but at least we get the fence jump. OK so Tayshia's date is incredibly boring - but at least we get the fence jump. Alright so the "Virginity Count" is in the double digits 40 minutes into the episode, but hey, AT LEAST WE GET TO THE FENCE JUMP.

Let's get down to it.

Tayshia's Date:

It's a Bachelor Nation classic. They go on a helicopter ride and explore the sights of Portugal. They land at a castle and have a picnic while taking in the picturesque views. It's everything you could want for a date, with the exception of the plethoric euphemisms for sex. The conversation is extremely boring. Did you know that the top two exports of Portugal are figs and extra ~virgin~ olive oil? I do, and I'm annoyed about it.

Tayshia's desperation is literally popping at the seams. The most memorable part of their date is during the dinner portion where Tayshia has not one, but two nip slips on camera. Why ABC couldn't save the last shred of dignity for this poor girl, we'll never know, but at least Colton's finally getting some action.

They spend the overnight together, and apparently she doesn't impress him with her BJs, because he spends the entire time during his interview talking about how he's "not in love with her" and is still thinking about his other two girlfriends.

Cassie's Date:

Colton picks her up for the date, and the chemistry is obviously there. The date is overshadowed with interviews of Colton explaining the difference between being in love (where he would lose his virginity with one of his many current girlfriends) versus falling in love (where he's only willing to get to an unenthusiastic third base).

I'm not paying any attention to the actual date because I'm listening to literally the least romantic interviews spliced between more booty-grabbing makeout sessions. My highlights:

• "I want to be in love with Cassie" (Colton, 2019): OK and I want a million dollars, a personal chef, and a puppy dog, but here we are.

• "The best thing about love is, you can't force it" (Colton, 2019): Please see the prior comment and look as confused as I am

• "Colton's an easy guy to love" (Cassie, 2019): Is that supposed to be a compliment? "You're an easy person to ruin!" "You seem like you have a very breakable heart!" Wow thanks!

• "I think I love Portugal!" (Cassie, 2019): At this point, Colton has told Cassie that he is falling in love with her. He's told the camera that he's in love with her. Meanwhile, Cassie has returned absolutely NONE of that, but she spends 15 minutes in Portugal and is in love. Tough breaks, Colton, tough breaks.

As their date continues, Colton discloses that Cassie's Dad did not give his permission for her to get married. Apparently, it's 1950 and this is some sort of deal breaker for Cassie. She completely freaks out. She doesn't see how she's able to move forward without her family's support, &, thanks to the magic of TV, she doesn't have to. Suddenly Cassie's Dad shows up at her hotel in Portugal to talk.

The Fence Jump

It's not quite as exciting as Becca's ex-boyfriend showing up after fantasy suites to peacock with Arie, but it's pretty shocking. We think he's here to apologize for not giving permission and will give some bull$hit speech about how he "thought about it after she left and could not possibly wait to tell her to follow her heart." Cassie's Dad flat out asks the question Colton has been wondering for 9 weeks: "Do you love him?"

The first red flag of the night is that she responds with "I think I do? Yeah?". Her Dad (who might have a career as an FBI interrogator) basically is like "??? Really tho??" and the entire ploy unravels. Cassie is, in fact, NOT in love with Colton and she resolves to send herself home.

ABC, the suave, dignity-saving organization that we know and love, does Colton a solid and tells him up-front so he's not blindsided out of the blue at dinner. HA- who are we kidding? Nope they splice in more interviews with Colton: "Cassie is THE ONE. I’m decided. I'm so happy! I can't wait!"

All of America:

The last 30 minutes are hard to watch. She breaks up with him...and he tells her he loves her. She walks away...and he follows after her. He tells her he was planning to pick her the entire time...and she just looks sad. I look sad. We all look sad.

He eventually puts Cassie in a limo. He's crying. She's crying. I'm crying. And at this point, I don't even care about this damn fence. Excuse me for just wanting true love for Colton on this journey. [Editor's note: At this moment, I realize I've completely lost touch with reality].

Cassie tearfully heads home (presumably) and Colton storms through the mansion as a helpless cameraman trails behind him. In a last-ditch effort to get some privacy, Colton bolts outside, hops a fence [FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!], and disappears into the darkness. There are dogs ominously barking in the distance and Chris Harrison legitimately looks worried.

And ladies and gentlemen - that's where we end it for the week. Colton is missing. Cassie is gone. & poor Hannah G is going to have the shittiest fantasy suite date ever. Can't wait 'til next week!