2019 Bachelor - Week 10 Night 2

Suspense is high. I haven't breathed in 24 hours. What's going to happen? How is this going to end? Will Chris Harrison stop being so infatuated with Colton's virginity? Hopefully we get some answers soon.

We join back up with this disaster right where we left off. Colton heads to Cassie's hotel room to profess his love for her and let her know that his current girlfriend count is at a record low for any Bachelor in show history. Meanwhile, we're hoping Cassie is like…

Cassie repeats that she's not ready, so Colton graciously accepts her honesty and moves on pressures her to continue with the show. They decide to take the relationship day-by-day, not putting any pressure on how they feel. And what better way to do that than to fly to Spain for back to back dates to meet his family and then have a fantasy suite with a virgin?

Colton knows that he's in for an uncomfortable update to his Mom and Dad, so he decides to break the ice announcing to his immediate family, his mom, and on national television that he is no longer a virgin. "Just kidding", he follows it up with. Ok...I've accepted that Bachelor Nation doesn't exist in the same plane of reality that we live in, but IN WHAT WORLD is it normal to formally announce your recent sexual accomplishments to your entire family!?! Super, super weird.

I can summarize the next two dates pretty easily. With nearly unlimited budget and unlimited desperation, Colton tries to act out his pathetic plan of "How to force Cassie to say she loves me so I look like less of an moron". On the dates, Colton grins like an idiot while Cassie works through cyclical crying meltdowns every 2-3 minutes. The second date ends with them presumably having sex on the overnight date. I'm bored and honestly I'm disappointed with Cassie. I'm disappointed we don't get to ask if it was Cassie or Colton who cried immediately afterwards.

So where does this leave the season? Colton is with Cassie. Cassie is faking it, I mean, is trying to soak up as much Instgram fame as she can, I mean, is also in love with Colton. The couple makes their first public appearance for a live interview and Cassie walks out in this absurd pantsuit held together with the same ribbon I used to wrap Christmas presents a few months ago. Now I understand how it's possible to look past Colton's weird hairstyle from the prior episode.

I'll give Chris Harrison some credit where it's due. This finale was pretty atypical. No engagement. Only one contestant. No Neil Lane sighting. So how do we wrap things up? With a surprise live performance from Air Supply while Cassie & Colton sway uncomfortably. It's weird. It's comfortable. It's very fitting.

It's been a fun ride, Bach Bashers! Next season "'Bama Hannah" will be the next Bachelorette. & In honor of her having the same conversation skills as a container of cottage cheese, I have no words. Roll tide.