2019 Bachelor - Week 1 Update

Thank you for checking out the first episode recap on The Bach Bash. I'm thrilled that we're able to be together on Colton Underwood's journey to losing his virginity, and potentially doing so in 3 back-to-back cringe-worthy fantasy suite dates. Ok.. Maybe "Thrilled" isn't the right word.

To prep for this season, I spent an embarrassing amount of time getting The Bach Bash up and running - primarily because I knew I couldn't come up with enough euphemisms for "Virginity" to not get my sorry ass fired. I anticipated so much garbage content about the topic that I started an official count of the number of times Colton's ~limited experience~ is referenced. At the conclusion of the 3 hour episode, the count was up to 23.

ABC does not fail to disappoint in their epic quest to waste my time, as not a single woman gets out of the limo in the first hour of the premier. Highlights (using an extremely generous definition of the word 'highlights') from the first hour include:

• Chris Harrison's Mom describing Childhood Chris as "precocious, but cute". Ironically, this still fits him today

• Colton's intro package, featuring a montage of 3 difference scenes of him taking a shower. Glad to see ABC ~keeping it clean~

• Me aggressively and violently gagging at Arie rubbing Pregnant Lauren's belly during the "keeping up with the 5 bachelor couples that are still together" piece

Once we FINALLY get the meet the women, I'm changing my mind on some of these girls faster than Donald Trump can type out contradicting tweets.

• Caelynn, the reigning Miss North Carolina quickly disappoints when she says she's ready to change her title to "Miss Underwood". Someone needs to give this beauty queen a quick lesson on the differences between Miss, Mrs. & Ms because I thought she was originally asking to become his unwed little sister. This made it kind of weird for me when she gets the first kiss of the evening.

• I immediately hate Sydney when she lays on a guilt trip about how she quit her job as a "dancer" *cough, cough stripper* to be on the TV show. Honey, you made that choice - that's on you. But, just as I was ready to count her out, she wins me back by giving Colton a dance lesson in front of a string quartet. Cute.

• Alex D came out of the limo in a sloth costume, spoke realllyyyyy slowwwwlyyyy, and even climbed a tree to drive the point home… that she heard that Colton "likes to take things slowly". I admired her commitment to the character, but as soon as she took the costume off, she sounded REAL dumb.

I'm pretty excited to see the crazy of some of these women come out early on. Bri fakes an Australian accent to get noticed. Catherine, obviously not here for the right reasons, steals Colton on 4 different occasions (a record!). & Demi takes a collect call from her Mom who's currently serving in federal prison during her intro package. I PRAY that she makes it to hometowns.

The biggest surprise of the evening, in my opinion, is how Colton won me over. I'd give the boy the first impression rose if I had one. Between him talking about his appreciation for "strong independent women who aren't afraid to say what they want" to him describing Hannah G as "making him feel like home" - the man comes off as surprisingly impressive. I'm excited for this season. (& yes, I am aware that I may regret this statement).

At the conclusion of the episode, Colton hands out 23 roses sending Alex D, Devin, Erin, Adrienne "Jane", Laura, Revian, and Tahjzuan home.

And just when I thought the premier had checked all of my boxes, ABC throws this girl a bone and gives her the absolute GIFT of a video dedication to the ONE AND ONLY Chris Harrison. I may have blacked out from pure ecstasy during the 2 minute montage of clips from Chris' Bachelor Nation hosting career. Here's to the real MVP of the show - and here's to ABC guarantying my dedicated viewership for one more season.