2019 Bachelor - Week 2 Update

Well we've made it to week 2. I'm glad you all are still with me, because honestly it was a little touch and go during the 3 hour MARATHON last week. Thankfully we're only investing 2 hours in this disaster tonight…which is only about 1 hour and 50 minutes longer than what's actually needed. It's been a long week of trying to avoid pictures of Arie and Lauren's wedding in Hawaii, so I’m ready to get down to business and focus on this fool's journey.

The episode opens to - you guessed it - a super random shower scene of our star. Why is he always in the shower? Why are they always filming it? What is he doing to get so dirty every day? Why does he never use soap?

We jump right in to the group date which starts with Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally hosting a spoken word performance, where each woman has to read a story describing a "first" in their life. I realize I'm going to catch some flak for this, but I don't know either of these people and listening to them describe their first time hooking up makes me more uncomfortable than the weekly "virgin count" tally that I'm forced to keep.

Colton starts his "story of firsts" by describing how one time in a locker room, he told his friend he'd been lying for years and that he actually wasn't the man-whore he claimed to be. He describes his big virginity reveal as lifting a "burden on his life". Really? He knows that people have like REAL problems in their lives, right? There are children with cancer. There are people living in poverty. There are people who don't know where their next meal is coming from. And then there's the ridiculously attractive, presumably rich, and wildly famous football star who is carrying this cross for the world. Wow. What a martyr!

On the date, my sweet Hannah G starts to annoy me because of her constant need for reassurance. It's week 2 - your boyfriend has many girlfriends. If you have a problem with this, this is going to be a tough road for you.

Demi comes out strong as the most hate-able 23 year old on television. She runs offstage to kiss Colton during her story performance. She's the first to pull Colton away during the cocktail hour. And then she seals the deal as the most despised gal when she returns to the date, picks up the group date rose, and joking claims it for herself. Tracy has a MELTDOWN because she thought the 23 year old was "disrespectful". Relax sweetie. She touched the flower, it's not like she paraded through the rose ceremony in a bathrobe. Oh wait. That happens later.

Fear not though. Despite Tracy confronting her, Demi bounces back pretty strong. During her interview, she shouts "I am worth the WORLD. I am AMAZING". Again, I can't blame her, mostly because that is exactly what I say whenever I get a sports trivia question correct. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

At the end of the date, Elyse gets the group date rose because she admitted to being a cougar. I wish her and our zookeeper luck.

Next, we go to the first 1:1 of the season with Hannah B. Hannah used to be Miss Alabama and in last week's episode referred to herself as "'Bama Hannah". I guaranteed you that nickname will never catch on. Colton takes her on a classic Bachelor date including horseback riding through the desert. They stop for a champagne break (typical for the desert, naturally) and it becomes apparent that poor Hannah has forgotten to bring her conversation starter cards. Colton asks her to give a toast, she PANICS and apparently forgets how to speak. Our boy Colton does his absolute best given the circumstances. He chugs his champagne and asks the gal to get into her bathing suit and hop in the hot tub - also conveniently located in the middle of the desert (again, typical).

During the dinner portion of the date, Hannah rallies. She manages to mumble through 3 barely coherent sentences, and Colton is impressed enough that he gives her a rose. I'm just glad that the date is over.

The third date of the evening is at "Camp Bachelor" where the 85 remaining women participate in summer-camp type competitions including canoeing, tug-of-war, and relay races. The red team and the yellow team face off for the chance to get to attend an after party with Colton.

There's not a ton to report on the date, but my personal favorite part is where one girl admits to sabotaging the other team in the contest. Again, Colton does the best he can given the circumstances and responds with "Well, if you ain't cheating, you ain't winning". I'm not sure that inspires confidence in the women he is dating, but at least he's trying. By "trying" I mean "easier to look at than Arie, but potentially equally dumb".

Finally we make it to the rose ceremony. Tracy continues with her meltdown that she's not getting enough attention. Demi saunters through the rose ceremony in a bathrobe for no apparent reason other than to piss off the other women. AND ABC splices in another shower scene with Colton.

The rose ceremony goes by fast. Alex B, Erika, Angelique, and Annie are all sent home, and just like that, we're down to the top 19 women. At the end of the night, we hit 17 virginity references. For the math lovers in my life, we're looking at a velocity of 8.5 VPH (virgins per hour) this episode, compared to 7.67 VPH last week. Not great.