2019 Bachelor - Week 3 Update

Hope everyone had an enjoyable MLK day. Like our honoree, I also have a dream… that one day ABC will stop this garbage TV show and give me my Monday nights back. I'm not getting my dream tonight, as I've committed to 2 hours of suspended reality as we make our way through two group dates, a 1:1, and a rose ceremony.

The episode starts with a group date at a pirate-themed spinoff of Medieval Times. The girls dress in eye patches and billowy shirts and fight it out to save Captain Colton and find (as Chris Harrison describes) "the greatest treasure the world has ever seen. Love". Oh boy - if that's what he thinks the greatest treasure in the world is, then honestly I feel sorry for the guy who's never found a coupon code on a questionable website that saved him 30% off his shopping cart. If that doesn't shiver-ya-timbers, nothing will.

Demi the 14-year-old girl who's claiming to be 23, goes on the attack against Tracy, who's claiming to be 31 after some creative rounding. Demi explains that it "must be really tough for Tracy" because she's "surrounded by women so much younger than her. Who-on top of it- are all SO BEAUTIFUL". Wow - this must be how people feel on conference calls with me, amiright?

Demi's also fun because she talks without any punctuation. "I'm really pretty and confident and that’s why no one likes me because I am such a light and strong and that's just how I am so that is why it is hard for all of these other women who are also older than me". Dang girl - don't forget to take a breath!

There's also a super weird part of the night where Demi pulls Colton aside, says she's "so fuck!ng excited" to see him, blindfolds the dude, and then has him bend over. I'm not a guy, but I was CERTAINLY nervous for him. Don't worry folks, it was just to randomly start spanking him? And this is before she plays a knockoff version of the firetruck game with him. Cringe-worthy.

Next up, we join Elyse for a 1:1 date with Colton. Despite the subzero temperatures tonight in Pennsylvania, my icy heart is melted. ABC rents out an amusement park for a group of special needs children from Colton's cystic fibrosis charity. It's downright adorable and even I have to stop hating all children for about 3 minutes while this date plays out. Elyse is IN HER ELEMENT and it's a good look for both her and Colton.

During the evening portion of the date, Elyse reveals that she also is involved with a charity that was created in memory of her sister, who died of cancer after forgoing treatment during her pregnancy. & here I am on my couch, crying for the SECOND time during this date. OMG.

Finally, the date ends with a surprise concert from a little-known country star - Tenille Arts. I ain't even mad. We know every Bachelor season needs to have at least one surprise concert with the couple awkwardly swaying in front of a crowd. We signed up for this bullshit on night one. Tenille chooses to sing exactly what we're all thinking - the song is literally titled "I Hate This". And honey, me too.

The third date of the week is a group workout date, where the women compete in a "Bachelor Strongest Woman" competition. They flip tires, push carts, and pull literal limos (which, ABC, we all could tell was faked, but that's ok) to try to get Colton's attention. Onyeka wins and we're happy for her!

During the after party, Colton snags time with each girl, including Caitlin, who is about as interesting to talk to as the tire that the girls were flipping earlier. Colton pulls teeth by asking her 9 different ways to please disclose details of either a crazy ex-boyfriend, a childhood trauma, or her shitty relationship with her dad because he KNOWS that ABC would not have cast her if she was this white bread. Caitlin finally breaks down and gets really personal by disclosing "LOL idk what to tell you. I've just had a really great life?" I'm bored. Colton is bored. All of America is bored. And thankfully she's sent home mid-date.

The next day, Colton goes rogue and cancels the cocktail party before the rose ceremony - only to replace it with a full day pool party. Very, very clever. Instead of having to stay up late at a cocktail party, he now gets to hang out with all of his girlfriends in skimpy bathing suits with an open bar, and then wrap up the evening with a 15-minute rose ceremony. And who said football jocks were dumb?

The pageant queen pissing contest heats up between Caelynn (Miss North Carolina) and Hannah B (Miss Alabama). Basically they break the #1 rule of Bachelor Nation success - Don't shit talk the other contestants until AT LEAST fantasy suites where you can get away with saying anything as long as it ends with forgoing your individual room. I'll spare additional details because I can pretty much guarantee that there will be a tragic 2-on-1 next week… and I'll spend 4+ paragraphs outlining their petty disagreement in great detail.

The rose ceremony is unsurprising. We send home Bri (the one with the fake Australian accent), Nina (the Croatian), and Catherine (the girl who wanted to be the season's villain but was sadly bested by Demi).

Lastly, a special and sincere thank you to ABC who finally addressed my desperate plea to stop the virginity insanity. Our VC (Virginity Count) was a mere 3 this week. Can I get an 'amen"!?