2019 Bachelor - Week 5 Update

Well, another Monday, another totally misplaced shower scene with Colton. Seriously, why? The women and Colton are in Thailand this week, and we're in for two 1:1s, a group date, and multiple makeout sessions and tears. The landscapes are beautiful but it looks like it's 300 degrees outside. Suddenly Pennsylvania's -15 wind chill this week seems like an OK option.

Never-Been-Kissed Heather gets the first 1:1, and unfortunately, this means we're subjected to an entire date of zoomed-in shots of Colton's lips. Heather excitedly shares that during the intimate boat ride on the way to her date on a private beach in a foreign land that she "can't think of better time than now for a first kiss". I'm sorry for her that her bus rides in elementary school were not nearly as fun as mine, but this sounds like a good option too.

Despite not putting out during the date and dinner, Heather still secures a rose. Not surprisingly, as the couple is casually walking on the beach, there's a spontaneous fireworks show. Of course, the couple decides not to watch and to instead lock lips.

I'm on the fence about Heather's first. On one hand, I'm glad that we don't have to talk about it anymore and a first kiss on the beach during a fireworks show is admittedly very romantic. However, I'm still a little annoyed for her. If she DIDN'T kiss him at the end of the night, I feel like we would've gotten another Blair Witch Project selfie video from Colton the next morning complaining about how Heather didn't hold up her end of the bargain after he picked up the check. Meh.

Heather gets back to the Bachelor suite, and not 2 minutes later, Elyse storms out to track down Colton to make a complete fool of herself. I find feeling confused. Elyse says she "deserves the respect and attention" to call Chris Harrison up and request "every one-on-one for the next year." She's upset that her boyfriend has other girlfriends and she can't hang.

[Side note, if Chris Harrison ever unblocks my number, it's a safe bet that requesting additional 1:1 time with Colton will NOT be the topic of our conversation.]

Colton tries to talk her into staying by assuring her that he "doesn't just give up on relationships". No - of course not - he just dumps 29 girlfriends over the course of 2 and a half months for other reasons. Have EITHER of these people seen this show before?

Ultimately Elyse opts to go home, although I’m not sure if it's because she coudn't commit to a proposal, or if in this humidity, realized she didn't pack enough fake eyelashes to make it through the week. Whatever her motives, it looked to be a tough decision.

The group date is boring as we finally get the obligatory hiking date on the books for the season. Hannah B tries to impress Colton by eating a bug and even Colton is grossed out (he's not supposed to KISS that mouth now, right?). At the cocktail party, Onyeka starts some $hit with Nicole, and since I’m still exhausted by the Demi/Courtney drama from last week, I can barely keep up with why these women are screaming at each other.

Somehow we make it to the second 1:1 of the week, and it's clear that Colton is very much into Cassie. She's an obvious contender for the final four, and it's pretty clear that Cassie is into it too. "On a scale of 1 to hot, Colton is HOTTTTTTTT". Ok, that seems like a fair and objective measure - I'm with her. Colton gets to second base with her on national TV and I'm blushing but also not looking away. I think they're a strong couple.

It's 9:30 and we're finally getting to the cocktail party ahead of the rose ceremony. I start seeing the telltale signs that ABC is going to f us over with a cliff hanger. Kirpa, the dental hygienist who's getting very little screen time, has had a giant band-aid across her face all week and no one mentions it. I get it, women sometimes don't want to talk about it, so I let it slide. THEN we see a scene of Kirpa literally FLOSSING COLTON'S TEETH while Colton sits on the couch. I'm disgusted, yet thankful that ABC also feels this is enough of an irrelevant detail that they aren't willing to dive into the fact that Kirpa picked breadcrumbs out of her suitor's bicuspids on the same couch that he just copped a feel from another chick.

Meanwhile, Onyeka and Nicole are rumbling yet again and I'm over it. Send them both home and let's get on with this drama. Alas, we can't since Onyeka brings a level of crazy that makes for great TV. "I have NEVER been called a bully before, but Nicole is literally a PSYCHO." OK Miss Congeniality, I'm not buying it.

Onyeka & Nicole start SCREAMING at each other, even when Colton comes over to "just sit with them and observe". My guess is that he was hoping he sees the girls catfight to earn some Jerry Spring Show beads, but alas, the women keep their tops on but their claws out. You can't blame a dude for trying...

Eventually, Colton storms away angrily because he's not getting enough attention (Elyse, yes, he knows your pain) and ABC flashes "To Be Continued" across our screen. Sadly we'll need to wait another week before we see how this catfight resolves. Stay tuned, Bach Bash Babes!