2019 Bachelor - Week 6 Update

Ah Bach Nation friends, we are in for a good time tonight. Is it Christmas morning? No, even better. It's two rose ceremonies in a single episode & based on the previews, you're going to wish you invested in Kleenex stock. There's a lot of tears.

The episode picks up right where last week left off - Nicole and Onyeka fighting with each other and Colton having a mini-meltdown because he's not getting enough attention.

Colton decides to go stomp his feet and whine on the beach, forcing ABC to scrape together a few extra million dollars to get Chris Harrison to meet him outside and calm his nerves. Colton finally gets it together for the rose ceremony, and no surprise, Onyeka and Nicole are both sent packing.

This week, the ladies are headed to Vietnam. The scenery is beautiful and instead of the landscapes spliced between snippets of Colton showering, we get snippets of Colton running topless through the ocean spliced between the picturesque views. It's a welcome change of pace.

Doe-eyed, innocent Hannah G gets the first 1:1, and we're at the fun point in the season where the river of jealousy is flowing freely through the house. As Hannah G gets ready, Caelynn complains to the camera that Hannah has just "relied on her beauty so much in her life" and that there just "has to be at least SOME depth to her that she's missing". Again this is from Caelynn… you know… the girl who was Miss North Carolina… you know …the girl who has relied on her beauty to like…win competitions.

On Hannah's date, let's just say we learn that the girl has something in common with Britney Spears… she's ~not that innocent~. Oh baby, baby their spa date is STEAMY. It's just me in this apartment, watching the date alone, and I am BLUSHING! After the couple's massage, Hannah climbs on Colton's back and asks if there are any spots in particular that he wants her to work on. He responds with "yeah let me roll over" and I am screaming, gagging, and reaching for my invisible children to shield their eyes and hold their ears. Honey, you can't put that type of massage on TV. Don't let Colton fool you, doe-eyed Hannah, that is NOT a strained muscle in his inner thigh!

When they aren't making out, Hannah is actually super boring. She starts talking about her parent's divorce and then is like "yeah my big trauma is that my Mom messed up my Dad's landscaping one time and my Dad like REALLY cares about his lawn". Colton, who I might start calling Sherlock for his deductive reasoning skills, goes "yeah I think there's more to it than ruts in the yard though". Amazing. (Side Note: Seriously, how low did Arie set the bar that this is even remotely notable at this point!?)

On the group date, the remaining 8 women learn the ancient Vietnamese combat art of Vovinam. After a brief practice session, the producers decide to pair up the women and let them beat the $hit out of each other. Seriously? Has no one thought this through?

Hannah B, who starts referring to herself as Hannah Beast, gleefully exclaims what we're all fantasizing of saying during most of our meetings in the office: "Didn't think that I'd get the chance to punch some of these girls!"

We get through 3 melees before Demi gets socked in the face and someone from ABC's corporate legal team finally gets a phone call through to the producers asking if they've lost their mind. Two girls never get to fight and I'm disappointed for them.

During the dinner party, Sydney finally gets some face time… although it's only earned because she's sending herself home. She's the second woman in 2 weeks who's quit the game, and I'm developing a complex on behalf of Colton. He must not be nearly as charming in real life (ok Bachelor Fantasy "Real Life").

Mysterious bandage / public teeth flosser Kirpa gets the second 1:1 of the week and the date is so boring that there's nothing worth discussing, other than she thankfully stays out of Colton's bicuspids this week.

As soon as Kirpa returns to the house with a rose, Demi decides it's time for her to prance over to Colton's hotel room and ~lay it all on the line~. The literal quote is "I'm going Balls to the Wall on this one" and apparently the brain damage I've suffered because of this show is serious enough that I'm quietly cheering her on.

Her timing isn't great because Colton looks absolutely exhausted and the only thing holding him back from naptime is this flakey blonde sitting on his couch. Demi struggles to read the room because while Colton is holding back a yawn, Demi tells him that she's falling in love with him. Colton can't even muster up the energy to deal with this crazy chick for one more night, so he decides to send her home on the spot. I'm surprised, but don't blame the dude for resorting to desperate measures to empty out his bedroom. A man's got to nap!

Colton cancels the cocktail hour because he "knows what he wants to do"… & so does the rest of America, since there's only one rose-less woman left whose name I STILL can't remember. Katie (based on the process of elimination in my spreadsheet) is sent packing, and just like that, we're down to the top 7.