2019 Bachelor - Week 7 Update

Good evening all. Happy Hometowns-Eve. The stakes are high and the levels of desperation are higher. Let’s go.

The night starts with Colton taking another selfie video, working through his crisis that there are still women here who don’t actually want more than a few thousand Instagram followers and a shot at being the next Bachelorette. Shocker! Honestly I prefer the misplaced shower scenes, but I digress..

This week, the girls are back stateside and get to explore Colton’s current city, Denver. Colton starts talking about the importance of this week and explains the setup: Four dates & four roses. The pressure is on, and clearly it’s getting to him since every other word this guy says is bleeped out by ABC. As Colton begins spiraling into a panic, HOPE IS RESTORED BECAUSE THE WORLD IS BLESSED WITH A BEN HIGGINS CAMEO.

Ben sits down with Colton to address his concerns. In just a few sentences, he provides advice, reassurance, and gives him that heart-melting empathetic look that automatically makes ANY man or woman swoon. (Am I overselling it? I don’t think it’s possible). If Chris Harrison ever decides to retire, he has an obvious shoo-in for his replacement.

Tayshia gets the first 1:1, or really a 1:2 because Colton’s sweet puppy, Sniper, makes an appearance. (Seriously, Ben Higgins AND puppies in the first 30 minutes?! ABC, you’re TREATING. ME. RIGHT. TONIGHT.) Tayshia and Colton’s date is actually very cute. Colton takes her to his ̶g̶o̶-̶t̶o̶ ̶f̶i̶r̶s̶t̶ ̶d̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶s̶p̶o̶t̶s̶ ̶favorite places in Denver, including a winery, an ice cream shop, and a market. During the parts of the date when I wasn’t questioning where Sniper went, I finally saw some chemistry between these two and I didn’t hate it.

In a scene that I can only describe as an ~RPE~ (“Resume Producing Event”, as we say in the office) for some newly unemployed Creative Director, Colton decides to have a very serious conversation in Tayshia in the middle of a very crowded & very loud street market.

Colton: Who isn’t here for the right reasons?

Tayshia: Huh?

Colton: Who isn’t ready to get engaged?

Tayshia: What?

Colton: Who should I not see?

Tayshia: Oh! Cassie & Caelynn. Their names begin with a “C”!

Ok no, that’s not exactly what happens, but Tayshia legitimately looks Colton in the eye and dead-a$$ says "There are women here who are not here for the right reasons”. The camera captures Colton’s reaction and I don’t understand how it’s possible that he’s not smirking right now. (I’ve been impressed with Colton so far during the season, but his poker face is BY FAR the most impressive thing about him. Do you think he would be open to teaching a class? I could use some pointers!) Regardless, Tayshia gets a rose by naming Cassie & Caelynn as the primary offenders and we get another 90 minutes of drama. I’m grateful.

Caelynn gets the next 1:1 and Colton’s obviously got some questions for her.

Colton gives Caelynn a snowboarding lesson and kills some time until he finally gets a chance to ask her WTF is going on. I’m convinced that her days are numbered, but somehow she sidesteps his questions with those long eyelashes that won her the Miss North Carolina title in the first place, and he gives her a rose.

Our other beauty pageant winner, Hannah B, gets the final 1:1 of the week. On the date, Colton brings Hannah B to meet his parents, and I wonder at what moment she realizes that a sweater crop top is 100% not the right outfit for the occasion. The date seems pretty “meh”, which is high praise for Hannah “all I can do is smile / everything I say has little-to-no substance” B. Apparently it isn’t enough to earn a rose, and she’s sent home. I’m mostly just pissed on Hannah’s behalf because she’s runner up to Caelynn AGAIN. First Miss America, and now this.

In other news, however, Hannah B’s departure is great news for the remaining contestants. With 4 girls left, and 2 roses up for grabs, the odds have dramatically improved. To set the scene, here are the women on the final date:

• Heather - the “Never Been Kissed” beauty, who’s storyline on the show ended 2 episodes ago when the only interesting thing about her became moot...no one cares if you’ve “Only been kissed on national television".

• Hannah G - the gal who’s scandalous makeout session last week make me question if this programming was suitable for primetime

• Kirpa - the dark-horse contestant who surprised everyone that she made it this far…. ALSO the girl who made a blood-brothers pact with Tayshia to continue to start $h!t with Cassie & Caelynn; and lastly,

• Cassie - the stunning girl who allegedly isn’t “here for the right reasons”.

It’s not surprising that we finally get the 2:1 that we’ve been looking forward to all season. Heather calls it early in the date that her relationship isn’t at the same level as the other girls (I mean he’s already dry humped all the other contestants on random hotel beds, so you can’t blame her for feeling left out) so she goes home, & Hannah G gets a rose just because she hasn’t started any drama and may potentially actually be a mute. (Guys remind me, she has spoken before, right? She doesn’t get much screen time with her mouth unoccupied by Colton’s tongue).

Cassie & Kirpa go at it, although they are fighting on different levels. Kirpa articulately and openly shares her concerns with Colton, and then she shares those same concerns immediately with Cassie. Meanwhile, this is Cassie…

Apparently Colton got one too many concussions during his brief football career, and he foolishly sends Kirpa home.

So ladies and gentlemen, this means we’re down to our final four! Next week, we get to meet 4 innocent families who are forced into the public eye and subjected to unfair scrutiny all because their idiotic daughters couldn’t get a job after college graduation so decided to aspire for reality show stardom. IT’S HOMETOWNS BABY!!