2020 Bachelor - Week 1

Loyal Bachelor Nation followers, it is with great joy that I’m back in the saddle again writing the Bach Bash recap. My feelings going into the premiere were of hesitation…will the show continue its captivating magic after I haven’t watched it for a year? Are we comfortable ogling over a man who has the body of a pre-pubescent high-schooler? With 3 hours to spare on my Monday night, we were able to get some answers.

Now, I try to give the ladies the benefit of the doubt on the first night. No one is usually on their A-game, but there’s enough side boob popping out of all the cocktail dresses to compensate for the poor social skills. Because this show has brainwashed me enough, I barely even bat an eye as we meet Alexa, a vagina waxer, or Jenna, who brings an emotional support cow (yes, cow) to her first meeting. It’s all part of the gig at this point.

Looking back at the contestant introductions, I spotted a few fast favorites. Firstly, I’ll mention Lauren. If the 26 year old marketing executive didn’t already impress you with her accomplished career, then she certainly will in her STUNNING pantsuit. Honestly, after years of watching this show, I didn’t know it was possible for women to have any fabric between their legs on night one, and let me tell you that I am HERE FOR IT. Unfortunately, Lauren got all of 5 seconds of screen time in 3 hours, so things aren’t looking too good for her future. Sadness.

Another standout, Hannah Ann, quickly gained some haters when she interrupted three different girls on night one. You can’t blame a girl who knows how to play the game. Peter obviously appreciates the boldness, as her actions earn her the first impression rose.

With the good, of course, comes the bad. Victoria F’s intro line is “Peter, I want you to know that I have a dry sense of humor” and follows it up with, “But that’s about the only thing that’s dry” *insert dramatic winky face*. I’m absolutely disgusted as it slowly dawns on me what she’s implying, and I get great joy from seeing her panicking during her interview later in the night when she realizes that vaginal dryness is no joking matter.

Next we meet Savannah, who blindfolds Peter, pats him down like she’s in the TSA, cuffs his hands behind his back, and then forces her mouth into his. I’m no lawyer but I’m pretty sure that’s assault in some states?

And the last turkey of night one goes to Hannah Brown just because I’m annoyed she’s on my TV screen after my dislike for her made me miss out on last year’s season of the Bachelorette. It’s fine, she made her cameo and now we can forget about her again, right? Oh sadly I was so so so wrong.

Moving on to the date portion of the episode, the first group date was a lot of fun. The girls go to “flight school” where they get to meet 2 badass female pilots to put them through their paces. At one point, each girl is strapped into a machine that spins them around 360 degrees to simulate g-forces in flight. In typical Bachelor fashion, we cut to one of the contestants, Victoria P, silently crying in a corner because of a traumatic incident from her childhood where she threw up at an amusement park after riding the Teacups. Sweetie, if I described all of my vomiting episodes as “traumas”, I’d have a very different relationship with tequila than I do now. Victoria overcame her fears and gave the ride a metaphorical “whirl” but then gave it the literal “hurl”. She puked on her first date, and I respected the hell out of it.

The group date ends with an obstacle course where the winner gets to go on a 1:1 flight with Peter. Kelley blatantly cheats to win, and while one can appreciate her ability to play the game, I certainly hope she slept with one eye open because those girls were PISSED.

Madison, a vibrant basketball star, gets the first one-on-one date, and it’s a big one. She meets his entire family, at (naturally) Peter’s parent’s vow renewal ceremony to celebrate their 33rd year anniversary. If you’re wondering “Isn’t 33 a weird year to commemorate?” the answer is “of course not when ABC is paying for it!” Props to the Weber family for taking advantage of free sponsorships to throw a party.

The date is a great one. They have a great time and it’s a special moment. However perhaps it’s the pessimist in me that is already looking forward to seeing Peter’s mom cutting Madison out of all the photographer’s pictures when she doesn’t make it past week 5.

And finally, we end the 3 hour premiere with a second group date, and guess who’s back? Hannah freaking Brown, to describe to Peter’s new girlfriends exactly how she f*cked him 4 times in a windmill. Ah just what every girl wants to hear from her boyfriend’s ex! Also I do not care!!

Presumably in credit to Peter’s high endurance, retelling the story brings back some unresolved feelings for Hannah, and suddenly we find Hannah ugly crying over how much she misses Peter and regrets sending him home last season.

The episode ends in a cliff hanger with Peter asking Hannah to join the other women in the house. I pray she says no, and I pray someone smacks some sense into Peter. We’ll tune in next week to find out what happens.