2020 Bachelor - Week 2

We pick up this week on Hannah’s second season of the Bachelor, with Hannah reeling from regrettable consequences of not wearing waterproof mascara. What’s that? It’s NOT HANNAH’S SEASON ANYMORE???? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL HER? Ugh!

Anyway, Hannah and Peter kiss and all hopes of Peter’s season progressing seem lost. Presumably off-camera, a producer flashes a copy of the contract that Peter signed, and just like that he remembers “oh yeah, I have 30 girlfriends who haven’t broken up with me on national TV YET. Maybe I should focus on that”. Sydney gets the group date rose, and we hope that we’ve seen the last of Hannah B this season.

Next, if we needed further proof that the ABC producers are experts in psychological warfare, I present to you Champagne-gate 2020. I feel a little like Barbara Walters writing this recap, but here goes. Kelsey received a bottle of champagne for her birthday last year. It’s obvious to me that Kelsey and I have very little in common because somehow she doesn’t drink it for over a year. She brought the bottle with her to the taping of the Bachelor, because apparently having a boyfriend with 30 other girlfriends is the only thing she thought was worth celebrating with champagne in the last year.

In typical Bachelor fashion, Kelsey puts great care into setting the scene to share the bottle with better with an ice bucket, champagne flutes, and a perfect-for-cuddling blanket. While she waits to snag Peter to share the special moment, Hannah Ann and Peter OF COURSE stroll over to the setup and pop Kelsey’s bottle.

As an innocent bystander, it’s clear that this was arranged for the drama, and Kelsey delivers. She has an epic meltdown, that takes up the rest of the night. Peter tries to make Kelsey feel better by drinking champagne with her later in the night. Kelsey tries to chug the champagne to look tough with disastrous consequences. I’ve watched the below gif no less than 1000 times and honestly it still isn’t enough.

At the end of the evening, there’s a rose ceremony and we say goodbye to Pantsuit Lauren (UGH!!!!), Courtney, and Payton.

We end the episode with another group date, and while of course, 80% of the girls are crying at some point, it actually looks like a lot of fun. The girls spend time at a REVOLVE boutique where they get to model two different outfits for a live fashion show. The winner wins several thousand dollars of clothing and accessories. The girls are highly motivated to put on a good show.

My favorite quote from the episode comes from celebrity fashion show judge, Carson Kressley, who puts things in perspective with these wise words: “Boyfriends are temporary. Cashmere is forever”.

Before the fashion show starts, Victoria F shares her anxieties, claiming that she struggles in a group setting and that she’s terrified that Peter won’t be able to see her. She also discusses some insecurities about her body. She looks like she’s about to throw up as she approaches the runway, and then a switch flips are she ROCKS it. She struts down the runway, wowing the crowd and impressing the judges. I’m screaming at my TV, cheering on this newly found confidence – it looks great on her! Sadly, despite modeling in lingerie, she only gets second place in the competition and loses to Hannah Ann. For those keeping track at home, you’ll recall that this is the champagne stealer from the night before. Drama seems to find this girl everywhere she goes…

Just when we think the group date is about to end as Peter gives Victoria F the rose, we have to throw a little more gasoline on the fire. Hannah Ann complains to Peter that Victoria is “bullying her”. Peter confronts Kelsey, and this is how the exchange goes.

Hannah Ann: Kelsey is bullying me Peter, to Kelsey: Are you bulling Hannah? Kelsey: No Peter: Wow I don’t know what to do. This is so confusing.

I’ll admit that there something mildly attractive about Peter, but it ain’t his detective skills. Mariska Hargitay has absolutely no room from him in the Special Victims Unit. Let’s just say that the next time I’m picking my team for an escape room, Peter doesn’t make the shortlist.

We’ll be sure to tune in next week to see how many girls Peter can make cry in 2 hours.

Cheers!