2020 Bachelor - Week 7

WE HAVE MADE IT TO HOMETOWNS FRIENDS! It’s the best night of the season, so let’s get down the business.

We start the evening with Hannah Ann in Tennessee. Firstly, WHERE did that southern accent come from, Hannah Ann? Suddenly you’re a Southern Belle in Week 7? Moving on. Hannah meets Peter and explains that her father is a literal lumberjack and that he “loves a manly man”. I’m amazed that she’s able to say this to her boyfriend that hasn’t yet hit puberty. I’m hoping the producers suggest that he tries to glue a toupee to his face, since we know he can’t grow a beard. Poor dude doesn’t stand a chance. The evening portion of the date is pretty standard – the girls gossip about Peter in a side between while the Dad hassles Peter on a back porch. It’s very 1950’s.

Next we move to Kelsey’s hometown, and it’s the most boring date I’ve ever seen. They go to a winery for the afternoon before meeting Kelsey’s family. The only positive thing I have to say is if Kelsey can bounce back from Champagne-gate to make it to the final four, you can do anything. Kelsey’s sister explains that it’s a “big deal that she brought a boy home”. They know she literally had no choice, right? Hometowns aren’t optional!

The third date with Madison is great, per usual. They spend the day at Auburn University, and Peter can hardly hide that she’s the frontrunner for him. The only weird part of the date comes during the dinner with her parents. Her mom takes her into a bedroom, holds her hands, and asks her if her boyfriend knows she’s a virgin. Then he Dad basically does the same. It’s a little too much talk about vagina with parents for my tastes, but since Madison seems like such a catch, I’ll let it fly. At the end of the evening he drops the “L bomb” on her and he leaves absolutely giddy.

Finally, we’ve made it to Victoria’s date. All of the previews for tonight’s episode suggest that it’s going to a good one. VICTORIA’S got a SECRET, and no, it’s not overpriced lingerie. The date begins with Victoria completely disregarding the leash laws of Virginia Beach. Peter loses points with me because he greets Victoria before her ADORABLE black lab. What is his problem!? Next, they hang out on the boardwalk and pose for Old Time Photos. This works out well for Victoria because they don’t even care that she’s a racist at all after the photoshoot.

Next, they head to a backyard concert with Hunter Hayes. At first, I think that Bachelor producers are being kind to Victoria. Drama has surrounded her the last few dates. At her first concert date, Victoria and Peter were serenaded by Victoria’s ex, Chase Rice. If Victoria used to date Hunter Hayes, I will piss myself. All signs look like Victoria hasn’t fucked any of the performers but as they start to leave, Peter is confronted by HIS EX girlfriend, who reveals that Victoria is a homewrecker. My God – if Victoria makes it through this, they should never go to a live performance again.

Peter arrives at Victoria’s house, sits her down on her parent’s stoop, and shares what his ex-girlfriend had said, which sends Victoria into her 465th meltdown of the season. Can someone just tell Peter she’s not that into him!? This is ridiculous. I do, however, have to give props to ABC because somehow they shoot the entire thing without catching her mom peering through the curtains to watch this shitshow transpire. Peter leaves without meeting Victoria’s family, and I think to myself that maybe, just maybe, it means Victoria is gone for good.

I’m disappointed because the next scene is Victoria knocking on Peter’s hotel door to try and explain away that she is NOT crazy, but just IS crazy every time they are together. Oy.

Anyway, we make it to the rose ceremony. Hannah Ann and Madison are the shoe-ins, which leaves just Boring Kelsey and Psycho Victoria. Peter choses that he’d rather sleep with Victoria, sorryimean continue exploring his relationship with Victoria, so she gets the final rose.

Next week – fantasy suites!